the auntie brigade
In her book Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert writes about the ‘Auntie Brigade’, of which she considers herself a member.
She says, “the number of women throughout history who never become mothers is so high (so consistently high) that I now suspect that a certain degree of female childlessness is an evolutionary adaptation of the human race. Maybe it’s not only perfectly legitimate for certain women to never reproduce, but also necessary. It’s as though, as a species, we need an abundance of responsible, compassionate, childless women on hand to support the wider community in various ways … My job is not merely to spoil and indulge my niece and nephew (though I do take that assignment to heart) but also to be a roving auntie to the world – an ambassador auntie – who is on hand wherever help is needed, in anybody’s family whatsoever.”
I love this.
Now that I have become an aunt-proper (I’ve enjoyed many years of being the roving sort and plan to enjoy many more) I have been thinking a lot about my own auntie brigade, mining my childhood memories for tips I can use myself. I am lucky enough to have three official aunts, though I have never lived in the same country as any of them, only got to know them a-bit-at-a-time, on holidays, in letters and phone calls.
From one aunt I learned a very good thing to say when you are giving a small person something a bit fragile to play with. She used to say to me, ‘This is quite breakable so try to be very careful with it. But if it does get broken, no one will be cross because we all knew it was quite breakable when we gave it to you.” It has always stuck in my head as a lovely, understanding way to speak to a child. The same aunt once gave my sister and me a whole extra (full) Christmas stocking each. Noted.
From another aunt I learned about the importance, when making up a story, of putting the child directly in it. E.g. It is not ‘a little girl’ or ‘Susan’ who flies up into the sky hand-in-hand with Father Christmas or a magical teddybear, it is YOU, the niece or nephew, slack-jawed with the amazement of hearing your own name in that context. This was also an aunt who understood the horror of a pile of gifts upon which that same name was conspicuously absent. She gave unbirthday gifts. Sweet.
And from another aunt I learned the joy of receiving the odd grown up present. One year she gave all the adults in the family glorious big posh Christmas boxes of soap and bath salts from, I think, Crabtree and Evelyn. So often children are excluded from these glorious grown up luxuries and are presented instead with something they will ‘enjoy more’ like an educational puzzle. Ugh. But that year my sister and I were included with the grown ups. We loved our boxes and couldn’t have enjoyed anything more than the heavenly smells that wafted out of them. Done.
Do you have any good tips from your own auntie brigade? If you do, I would so love to hear about them and add them to my list.
Dear Anna!
That is so lovely! While growing up I was always taking care of my cousins and the neighborhood children. I used to make them treasure hunts, and, as you said, I used to give them stories for their birthdays where I made them the hero. I always found pictures from the Internet to accompany the text and made small books for them. I used to take them out in the forest (there is A LOT of forest in Norway) and tell them stories of the little troll houses and troll villages (meaning roots and pieces of overgrown rocks and things like that), and afterwards we would go home and draw the trolls.
Oooh, just thinking about these things makes me feel warm and fuzzy and full of love and imagination!
Thank you for a lovely post!
fun, trustworthy,don’t dob, patient and listen
really hard.
I love the idea of the aunty brigade. It strikes me as very true.
And I think that line about “this is breakable but, etc” is FABULOUS, really. What a nice way of saying that.
Tips gathered from my own aunty brigade? Hmm… it was always nice being the centre of attention but maybe that’s a given
That Gilbert quote is really something – really put some food for thought in my noggin.
As I’m passing that age when most of my girlfriends have had their firstborns, and I myself not (and honestly, might not ever), my mind defaults to diminishing the role of aunt. Clearly, I am in the wrong and have a lot to go off and think about on this one.
This quote has made an impression. Let me absorb it and breathe a little new life into myself.
Line, I bet those stories you told will live on and be retold for generations of children exploring those same forests. What a gorgeous thing to have begun!
Sharon, I have added all those things to my list. Thank you so much – I feel I’m getting advice from a true professional!
Emily, I love it too. And I shall add your tip. I do not think I will have difficulty with this one
Julia, I think we’re probably in the same boat to some extent. For me, Gilbert’s writing on this topic clarified some very important things just beautifully. If you would like to see the whole passage, you can find it here (its the third one down):
http://dilbretta.blogs.com/my_scoop/2011/04/quotes-from-committed-a-love-story-by-elizabeth-gilbert-.html
As an auntie I always talked to my nephews and nieces on the same level NEVER talked down to them. Never lied to them. Always tried to have fun with them . do stuff that their mums and dads didn’t have time to do. Got up to a bit of mischief with em when no one was looking….our special secret. 3 cheers for the auntie brigade.
Lois, I can only imagine what a fabulous auntie you must be! I have noted all your advice down and will use it in pursuit of my own excellence in aunthood
My sister took my big girl to the Harry Potter exhibition in Sydney last month… She stayed two days in all.
They ate soup dumplings with chopsticks, caught taxis in the rain, did ‘Harry Potter’ and she bought her a wand because “sometimes you really do need what you want”, shared high tea, ate out with entrees, mains and desserts at a fancy Italian place, stayed up late and laughed.
They both had a wonderful time and I could not be more delighted – kinda wish I had gone too… But then it wouldn’t have been the same with me around.