Different people in different places
This semester my teaching load includes five different tutorial groups. One group contributes so much and so enthusiastically that they tend to talk over each other and sometimes the whole thing can become more of an exercise in crowd control than anything else. In another group I ask the same questions and you could hear a pin drop if they weren’t shuffling through their papers. This is not so much in search of an answer I suspect – more to avoid eye contact that could result in being addressed personally.
But many of these are students I’ve taught before in previous years and I know that some of those in the enthusiastic group have previously been reticent to contribute, while many of those in the quiet group are capable of contributing a great deal. I wonder what’s going on?
A similar phenomenon is observable in relationships I think. I’ve known the same person to behave so radically differently within a new partnership as to be almost unrecognisable (and I am quite sure the same is true of me in the various relationships I’ve had over the years). I really don’t think it’s true that a leopard never changes its spots – in fact, I think it’s quite possible that it could morph into another species altogether. (I have.)
I recently read a three-part essay called The Hidden Economy of Love which a friend recommended to me in light of an earlier post about people including nasty little anecdotes in their memoirs. In part the essay is about a tendency people have, often fairly unconsciously, to keep careful accounts of the favours and kindnesses they bestow, expecting equal returns and being dismayed if and when they feel ripped off. The author calls it ‘social bean-counting’, which I just love. But the distribution of these sorts of beans is exactly the kind of thing I’ve noticed changing radically in different settings. Debtors can become indebted, martyrs can make unreasonable demands and users can settle into a kind of calm generosity.
It makes me think very carefully about relationships, friendships, workplaces and political climates. And of course about change.
